


Romance in the Produce Aisle

by Besina



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Cucumbers, Ficlet, John Watson cameo, M/M, Multi, Other, Sherlock Holmes cameo - Freeform, Things I write at 2 am, crackfic, reproduction and getting it wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 21:47:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14387778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Besina/pseuds/Besina
Summary: Sentient cucumbers.  That is all I have to say.  (Oh, one says to mention he's a very sexy cucumber.)





	Romance in the Produce Aisle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beltainefaerie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beltainefaerie/gifts).



> Written by Besina  
> April 21, 2018
> 
> A crack-fic that took me by surprise at 2 am (as they do). 
> 
> Sherlock and John, though listed because it's relevant, only have a brief cameo here, but I hope you'll still enjoy it.

* * *

“Oooh, baby!” Cucumber One muttered appreciatively, briefly turning to waggle eyebrows it didn’t have at its nearest produce shelf-mate, before glancing back to what had caught his attention.

“What?” Cucumber Two replied, peering in the general direction of One’s gaze. Nothing there but shelves of other food, some magazines, a couple of shoppers, and the rusty trolley with the sticky wheel.

“That one!” One nodded. “I’ll take him! Yowsers!”

“Yowsers?” Cucumbers were extremely talented in raising eyebrows that didn’t exist.

This was also rather odd conversation for a cucumber to be having. Normally it was dirt, favorite types of fertilizer, what Bob had done last Sunday (not as interesting as you might think), and when the next bout of misty water may be coming.

“Are you looking at that shopper?” Two asked, incredulously.

“Look at that body! Long and lean - perfect build, really, though I wouldn’t mind a bit of green.” One paused then nearly exploded with excitement. “He looked this way! Yesss, come here, gorgeous! Ungh!”

“What in the nine hells are you talking about?”

One seemed to calm down just a bit to look over at his produce buddy. “Planting my seeds, of course!” Two did not seem enlightened, and One gave him a pitying look. “Oh goodness. Okay, fine, so you know we have seeds, right?”

“Of course,” Two said warily.

“And our entire reason for existing is pretty much to spread those seeds and reproduce.”

“Well, we _are_ food.”

“That’s merely a transport mechanism for getting the seeds spread.”

“Okay, fine… so?”

“So?? I’m fulfilling my life’s goal, and baby, does it look like it’s going to be amazing!”

“I… don’t understand,” said Two, honestly stymied.

“Okay, so I admit, no one’s ever really sat me down and explained things, but I’m a good listener, and people are saying things every day - back at the farm, in the truck, and especially when wandering around in here, so I was able to piece together how it worked, rather than hoping it somehow just happened. And this way I can choose the best mate, and have the best offspring!” One preened.

“ _Mate?_ What ‘things’?”

“Lots of things. For instance: in order to make new us’s, our seeds have to be planted and grow.”

Two nodded.

“According to a little human’s comment to a bigger human, if a seed gets into their stomach, it will grow.”

Two’s thoughts came to a momentary screeching halt before it decided to see where this was going, though it was getting a sneaking suspicion no one had ever informed One of either flowers or pollen.

“Food goes in through the mouth, down through the stomach, and out through the bum.”

That much was fair, at least.

“Food that goes in the mouth though, has a good chance of having been cooked. Being cooked is probably not good for seeds.” It paused, then raised a particularly triumphant non-eyebrow of cleverness.

“Some men,” it whispered, “are particularly attracted to cucumbers. And like to have sex with them. Up the bum…” It abandoned the _sotto voce_ for delivering sexual information and went back to its normal level of speaking. “Not all of them, of course - not all of us get to be lucky bastards, but I intend to; hence I’m trying to be alluring.”

Two side-eyed its obviously misinformed and slightly crazy neighbor, though it had to admit, it was sporting their latest misting quite fetchingly, and was now sitting rather strikingly upon the pile.

One looked back to Two to see if it had to elaborate further. It saw it did.

“Don’t you see? Everything’s connected. If it can come from the stomach to the bum, then surely it can go up the bum and into the stomach. Where it plants itself and grows. I’m going to plant _all_ of mine there. He seems quite a good specimen, doesn’t he? Long, lanky, but not scrawny - very good build for a cucumber, really. Even if a bit short of chlorophyll.

“So, I’ll get him to come over here, be incredibly seductive - showing off my length, breadth, _hardness_ ,” it breathed saucily. Waiting a moment to gather itself, it continued: “He’ll take me home and be so thoroughly turned on, he won’t be able to wait. He’ll use me, and when he’s got me pounding him good and hard, I’ll kind of… explode -” (One looked as if he hadn’t figured out all the details of that bit yet, but still had confidence in it.) “ - and shoot all my seeds into him!

“Yeah, baby,” it said, turning its attention back to the human who’d been slowly perusing down by the cauliflower, “I’m going to knock you up soooo good!”

“Um…” Two cleared its throat, not sure quite how to break it to One that he’d got it all wrong. Unfortunately, One wasn’t paying any attention whatsoever - Long, Lanky, and Do-able was now browsing their section. One was nearly vibrating with excitement, muttering “ _Pick me, pick me, pick me,”_ under its breath. Perhaps it was too late to be bursting its bubble - it could wait until the subject of its friend’s ardor had moved on. Only…

An elegant, long-fingered hand descended and wrapped around its buddy, stroking its length and giving a moderate squeeze.

“Oh my god! It’s happening! It’s happening!” One squealed in excitement.

_Definitely too late to correct its crazy produce-friend’s assumptions._

One was in a complete, non-verbal state of bliss being placed on the scale then into the bag; the man who’d chosen it, sporting a partially hidden but mischievous smile. _Perhaps One hadn’t been entirely wrong about the bum thing._

With nothing else to say, and wishing his friend the best, Two yelled, “Nail him good for us!”

“I will!!” One squealed happily as it was carried away and the first man was joined by another, their fingers interlinking.

“Got what you came for?”

“Oh yes,” the first one smirked. “Let’s go home, John; I have an experiment I’d like a hand with.”

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure what sort of therapy I can recommend after that, but you're welcome?
> 
> I can be found on Tumblr [here](https://besina.tumblr.com/) (very NSFW btw) - or through my personal blog, if I know you well enough.
> 
> Please do not make this fic available through any other means.  
> Permissions for other uses are listed on my profile page.
> 
> The comments section would love to hear your thoughts!


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